If you ask men in happy, committed relationships why they chose to
spend their lives with one particular woman, certain emotions and
experiences will pop up. What is it that makes a man give up his
freedom for the love of one woman and not another? I’ll tell you. It
all has to do with the way you make him feel.
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS HE’S WINNING WITH YOU
You
know how little boys love comic books and superheroes? It starts when
we’re young – we want to feel powerful, we want to save the day, we want
to be admired and appreciated. And when we grow up, nothing’s better
than feeling that with the special woman in our life.
If he’s a
good man and you want to make your relationship go the distance, then
make him feel like your hero. Compliment him, tell him how much you
appreciate him when he does something that makes you happy, let him know
how excited and proud you are to be with him. When you make him feel
like a winner who’s doing things right, he’ll want to hold onto that
feeling…with you.
On the other hand, if you want to shatter a man’s attraction for you
right away, then criticize him, belittle him, and make him feel like
he’s never living up to your expectations. (And if you really feel this
way with the man you’re with, then you need to question why you’re with
him in the first place.)
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS YOU ACCEPT HIM AS HE IS
Ask
any guy what makes him back away from a relationship, and he’ll
probably tell you this: “She kept trying to change me.” Men are not that
different from you. We don’t want someone coming in and telling us we
need to be better or different. Because when a woman wants to change
us, it makes us feel that we’re WRONG. And that doesn’t feel good.
Realize
that no person is going to be without things you don’t like, just like
YOU’LL have parts about you that a man isn’t thrilled with. The key is
looking at the whole package in a man and loving all of it – even if you
sometimes don’t like some of the individual parts. They are what make
him who he is – and he’ll recognize you’re the woman for him when you
love him for ALL of it.
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS UNDERSTOOD BY YOU
Unlike
women, guys don’t tend to talk through their feelings with each other.
They save that for the one special woman in their lives. So it’s a
great sign if your guy wants to talk with you about what’s bothering him
when it comes to his life, his career, his family, and his day-to-day
stuff.
Your job is to listen without judgment – to be there for
him and to offer your advice if he asks for it. If he keeps talking, it
means he feels comfortable
and safe with you. He begins to think he can tell you anything. You
want to be that safe landing spot for your man – not just because it
brings you closer together, but because he’ll recognize he has a woman
who truly understands him.
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS HIS LIFE IS BETTER WITH YOU IN IT
A
man feels compelled to get closer to you and spend more time with you
as a result of the experiences he has with you – the POSITIVE
experiences. He starts to feel like your relationship – and, by
extension, his life – is easier, better, more fulfilling.
So
focus on building a solid foundation with him by creating positive
experiences together. Do fun and different things with him. Get to
know each other in a variety of contexts – both alone and with friends
and family. When he sees how well you fit into his life and how much
joy you bring him, he will see you as a necessary part of his life – one
he’ll never want to be without.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Is He or She The One? 10 Things to Consider
How do you know if your partner is “the one” for you? While some
“just know,” most people said there were certain signs which clued them
in…here’s what we discovered as we asked numerous couples.
The Writing is on the Wall
It is so disappointing when we find someone -- and our friends and family are lukewarm in their reception of them at best. When the people who know you best are in complete support of your relationship, they will let you know. And you will likely know that this person is very good for you... and may be "the one."Questions to Ask Before Getting Serious
While it’s impossible to gauge in advance whether any couple will
actually make it ‘til death do they part, there are some compatibility
factors that offer insight as to whether they’ve got a fighting chance.
While you probably can’t straight out ask your partner whether or not he
or she is physically or verbally abusive, a cheater, or an addict—all
of which rank among the most popular reasons for splitsville—you can and
should sit down and ask each other the following questions. If your
perspectives match up, you have a better chance of making it for the
long haul.
1. Do you want kids?
There is no reason to get married or seriously invest in one another if you don’t see eye-to-eye on this matter — unless you’re willing to be swayed. But don’t even think about entering marriage with the hope that you can change your partner’s mind. It’s a recipe for disaster if you’re wrong. If you find you both want kids, you might follow up with a question about how much participation your partner would want to have in diaper changing and beyond!
2. What’s your financial standing?
Surely you’ll come up with a more personalized, delicate way to broach this subject, but whatever the case, you must learn the financial standing of the person you’re getting serious with. Why? Because as a married couple, their debt will quickly become your debt. Plus, you can get a lot of insight into a person’s level of responsibility and overall financial outlook if you know what they’ve saved, lost, or borrowed and still owe up until this point.
3. What are your spending habits?
Some people are savers, others are spenders. Often the opposites attract rule comes into play between these two archetypes. But if you’re idea of a wise investment is tucking away your extra cash for retirement while your mate’s features trips to Vegas and sports cars, you’re destined to clash. This is not something to take lightly since finances are one of the top causes for divorce.
4. Where do you stand on religion?
While you probably know basics, you might like to know how much your partner is expecting the church, synagogue, mosque, or other to play a part in your lives, as well as your children’s lives should you have them.
5. Would you be willing to go to therapy or counseling if we needed it?
One of the top reasons for breakups is a breakdown in communication or a general lack thereof. That’s why it’s really important to know whether your partner would be open to learning more about him or herself and getting help through a couples therapist, if it ever becomes necessary. If you get a flat-out “No,” you know what you’re getting yourself into.
6. What’s your ideal sex life?
While there’s no one right definition of a great sex life, there is definitely a wrong one—and that’s two people who have opposing views and desires. It’s better to talk now about sexual preferences, desires, hopes and expectations than after you put a ring on it!
7. What are your expectations of life together?
Some people want lots of independence, others crave constant companionship. Some want their partner to put dinner on the table every night, while others are happy with a life of takeout. From socializing to vacations to sex to household and financial roles and responsibilities, getting a clearer picture of expectations tells you whether or not you and your partner’s desires match up.
8. Where do you envision living in the long run?
While jobs and life can take couples places they never imagined going, it’s a good idea to see if you at least have the same type of lifestyle in mind. For example, some people want to live near their family. Others want to be in the city or the country. Where you live has a direct impact on your lifestyle and consequently can make for a happier or more stressed existence.
What questions do you think are important to ask before getting serious, moving in together or tying the knot?
1. Do you want kids?
There is no reason to get married or seriously invest in one another if you don’t see eye-to-eye on this matter — unless you’re willing to be swayed. But don’t even think about entering marriage with the hope that you can change your partner’s mind. It’s a recipe for disaster if you’re wrong. If you find you both want kids, you might follow up with a question about how much participation your partner would want to have in diaper changing and beyond!
2. What’s your financial standing?
Surely you’ll come up with a more personalized, delicate way to broach this subject, but whatever the case, you must learn the financial standing of the person you’re getting serious with. Why? Because as a married couple, their debt will quickly become your debt. Plus, you can get a lot of insight into a person’s level of responsibility and overall financial outlook if you know what they’ve saved, lost, or borrowed and still owe up until this point.
3. What are your spending habits?
Some people are savers, others are spenders. Often the opposites attract rule comes into play between these two archetypes. But if you’re idea of a wise investment is tucking away your extra cash for retirement while your mate’s features trips to Vegas and sports cars, you’re destined to clash. This is not something to take lightly since finances are one of the top causes for divorce.
4. Where do you stand on religion?
While you probably know basics, you might like to know how much your partner is expecting the church, synagogue, mosque, or other to play a part in your lives, as well as your children’s lives should you have them.
5. Would you be willing to go to therapy or counseling if we needed it?
One of the top reasons for breakups is a breakdown in communication or a general lack thereof. That’s why it’s really important to know whether your partner would be open to learning more about him or herself and getting help through a couples therapist, if it ever becomes necessary. If you get a flat-out “No,” you know what you’re getting yourself into.
6. What’s your ideal sex life?
While there’s no one right definition of a great sex life, there is definitely a wrong one—and that’s two people who have opposing views and desires. It’s better to talk now about sexual preferences, desires, hopes and expectations than after you put a ring on it!
7. What are your expectations of life together?
Some people want lots of independence, others crave constant companionship. Some want their partner to put dinner on the table every night, while others are happy with a life of takeout. From socializing to vacations to sex to household and financial roles and responsibilities, getting a clearer picture of expectations tells you whether or not you and your partner’s desires match up.
8. Where do you envision living in the long run?
While jobs and life can take couples places they never imagined going, it’s a good idea to see if you at least have the same type of lifestyle in mind. For example, some people want to live near their family. Others want to be in the city or the country. Where you live has a direct impact on your lifestyle and consequently can make for a happier or more stressed existence.
What questions do you think are important to ask before getting serious, moving in together or tying the knot?
Nine Things You Need to Know About Infidelity
Why do men or women cheat? What is the primary reason? Get some clarity on this sensitive subject…
Emotional Disconnect
The biggest reason for cheating on a mate is a lack of emotional connection or feeling appreciated by their partner. According to relationship therapist Bree Maresca-Kramer, trouble starts when a couple stops meeting each other's needs, stops talking about things that matter and get distracted by daily schedules, work or business. "They stop trying. It almost becomes a business relationship."Make it Easy for Him to Love You
You’ve probably heard that men like a woman who can be easygoing and fun
to be with. And that’s entirely true, especially when you’re talking
about men who handle a lot of pressure at work. But this doesn’t mean
you need to be a pushover. Read on to find out how you can make it easy
for him to be with you…without losing what’s important to you.
HOW HUMAN NATURE CAN WORK AGAINST YOU
Everyone wants to have their needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an amazing thing to develop in your life (and that goes for every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what they think and what they want. The root of most communication problems lies in NOT considering the other side.
If you want a man to listen to you and communicate well with you, then you need to honestly and critically consider the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from…all at the same time. Here’s the thing…
PUTTING YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU
When you don’t do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.
I see a form of this all the time in business, by the way. Say somebody wants to sell me something. If they immediately lunge in with their agenda, it will likely put me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what they want from me…the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want. It’s very simple…but extremely powerful.
SHIFTING TO TEAM-BASED THINKING
So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with a man. Namely, you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.
Say your boyfriend has a habit of zoning out when he gets home, and you’d like to go out a few nights a week. You can start with an affirming statement like, “I really care about our relationship, and I want us both to be happy.”
When you lead like this, he won’t feel the need to be defensive. You’ll have created a safe space for him to listen. Then you can say: “I understand you’re really tired sometimes and just want to zone out, but I just need to have some nights during the week when we can do something together.” Then you come up with an event you both like rather than focusing on the negative. When you do this, he’ll begin to see you two as a team – and that’s a win-win for both of you.
HOW HUMAN NATURE CAN WORK AGAINST YOU
Everyone wants to have their needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an amazing thing to develop in your life (and that goes for every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what they think and what they want. The root of most communication problems lies in NOT considering the other side.
If you want a man to listen to you and communicate well with you, then you need to honestly and critically consider the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from…all at the same time. Here’s the thing…
PUTTING YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU
When you don’t do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.
I see a form of this all the time in business, by the way. Say somebody wants to sell me something. If they immediately lunge in with their agenda, it will likely put me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what they want from me…the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want. It’s very simple…but extremely powerful.
SHIFTING TO TEAM-BASED THINKING
So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with a man. Namely, you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.
Say your boyfriend has a habit of zoning out when he gets home, and you’d like to go out a few nights a week. You can start with an affirming statement like, “I really care about our relationship, and I want us both to be happy.”
When you lead like this, he won’t feel the need to be defensive. You’ll have created a safe space for him to listen. Then you can say: “I understand you’re really tired sometimes and just want to zone out, but I just need to have some nights during the week when we can do something together.” Then you come up with an event you both like rather than focusing on the negative. When you do this, he’ll begin to see you two as a team – and that’s a win-win for both of you.
How to Get the Proposal You Want…Without Asking For It
What happens when you meet someone, fall in love, and think you’ve
finally found your one? It’s all supposed to happily fall into place
where he gets down on one knee and asks the magic question, right?
Well, what if he doesn’t?
That’s what happened to me when, after years of heartbreak over the wrong men, I met the right one. Unlike the men who had gone in and out of my life, I met a man who wooed me and pursued me like no other. We fell in love. I thought everything was right on track to my happily ever after, so I
moved in with him. I thought everything was all set, and that the proposal was a sure thing.
Then everything came to a screeching halt when he told me he “wasn’t ready.” Yet I was able to turn things around – and quickly – without playing any games. I simply ignited in him a natural desire to commit to me. Here’s how I did it, and how – when the time comes – you can, too.
FEELING MY DREAM SLIP AWAY:
I can clearly remember the night my then boyfriend told me he needed more time before proposing. It was New Year’s Eve, and I had thought this was the night. But instead of a ring, I got the “I’m not ready” speech. Immediately, I was thrown into a spiral of uncertainty and panic. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I move out? Should I break up with him? I had waited so long for this moment, and now I felt utterly powerless to make anything happen. It was as if my love life was happening to me, and I had no control over how anything turned out.
TURNING UNCERTAINTY INTO EMPOWERMENT:
Then something hit me. I realized, in that moment, that I was caught up in fear of losing him…but what about him losing me? What about ME losing me? I realized that I could end up wasting months living with a man – and being exclusive with him – while essentially cutting myself off from other opportunities and the commitment I needed. I also saw that I had placed all my hopes and dreams in this one man, and that doing so hadn’t gotten me the security I needed with him.
So I told him this: “I love you, and I want you to take as much time as you need. But while you’re deciding what to do, you can’t have me all to yourself.” It wasn’t manipulation or an ultimatum – it was a way of taking care of myself and doing for myself what I needed to do.
RECONNECTING WITH MYSELF…AND INSPIRING HIS PASSION:
I had been so focused on what HE needed, and I decided to redirect all that energy to ME. So I went away by myself that weekend and did just that. I reconnected with myself, and, in doing so reminded myself that I had a life outside of him.
When I came back to our apartment, my vibe had completely changed. Now, I was focused on doing things that pleased me. Suddenly, I was once again the woman he originally fell in love with, because I was a woman who made MYSELF more important than him. And that’s incredibly attractive to a man. He sees that you don’t depend on him for your happiness, and it takes an enormous amount of pressure off him. It draws him in, magnetically. He becomes mesmerized by you, and he wants to be part of that.
That’s what happened with my now husband. Two weeks after telling me he wasn’t ready, he was proposing to me. What had I done? Nothing but remind him of who I was – without him. My newfound passion for myself woke him up to the fact that he wasn’t the only man I could have a life with. And, with that, he decided he’d better do something to make sure I chose him. We’ve been married for over 20 years since.
That’s what happened to me when, after years of heartbreak over the wrong men, I met the right one. Unlike the men who had gone in and out of my life, I met a man who wooed me and pursued me like no other. We fell in love. I thought everything was right on track to my happily ever after, so I
moved in with him. I thought everything was all set, and that the proposal was a sure thing.
Then everything came to a screeching halt when he told me he “wasn’t ready.” Yet I was able to turn things around – and quickly – without playing any games. I simply ignited in him a natural desire to commit to me. Here’s how I did it, and how – when the time comes – you can, too.
FEELING MY DREAM SLIP AWAY:
I can clearly remember the night my then boyfriend told me he needed more time before proposing. It was New Year’s Eve, and I had thought this was the night. But instead of a ring, I got the “I’m not ready” speech. Immediately, I was thrown into a spiral of uncertainty and panic. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I move out? Should I break up with him? I had waited so long for this moment, and now I felt utterly powerless to make anything happen. It was as if my love life was happening to me, and I had no control over how anything turned out.
TURNING UNCERTAINTY INTO EMPOWERMENT:
Then something hit me. I realized, in that moment, that I was caught up in fear of losing him…but what about him losing me? What about ME losing me? I realized that I could end up wasting months living with a man – and being exclusive with him – while essentially cutting myself off from other opportunities and the commitment I needed. I also saw that I had placed all my hopes and dreams in this one man, and that doing so hadn’t gotten me the security I needed with him.
So I told him this: “I love you, and I want you to take as much time as you need. But while you’re deciding what to do, you can’t have me all to yourself.” It wasn’t manipulation or an ultimatum – it was a way of taking care of myself and doing for myself what I needed to do.
RECONNECTING WITH MYSELF…AND INSPIRING HIS PASSION:
I had been so focused on what HE needed, and I decided to redirect all that energy to ME. So I went away by myself that weekend and did just that. I reconnected with myself, and, in doing so reminded myself that I had a life outside of him.
When I came back to our apartment, my vibe had completely changed. Now, I was focused on doing things that pleased me. Suddenly, I was once again the woman he originally fell in love with, because I was a woman who made MYSELF more important than him. And that’s incredibly attractive to a man. He sees that you don’t depend on him for your happiness, and it takes an enormous amount of pressure off him. It draws him in, magnetically. He becomes mesmerized by you, and he wants to be part of that.
That’s what happened with my now husband. Two weeks after telling me he wasn’t ready, he was proposing to me. What had I done? Nothing but remind him of who I was – without him. My newfound passion for myself woke him up to the fact that he wasn’t the only man I could have a life with. And, with that, he decided he’d better do something to make sure I chose him. We’ve been married for over 20 years since.
How to Tell If He’s Ready For A Relationship
Many women talk about dating a “mature man”. What they’re really
referring to is “emotional maturity.” An emotionally mature man is a
man who won’t shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life.
Emotionally mature men are willing to show their feelings; and more importantly, they’re able to allow the woman in their life to “see” them even when they’re going through a difficult time. But how can you tell whether a man is emotionally mature and will stick it out with you through the inevitable ups and downs in every relationship? You need to look at how he handles three key areas in his life…
MATURITY AREA #1: WORK
Is the man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate? Or is he spiteful, does he talk about problems instead of thinking about solutions and how to improve personal dynamics in his work life and relationships? Compassion and the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity – and sensitivity as well.
MATURITY AREA #2: FRIENDS
What type of people does a man spend his time around? It has been said that you can know all you need to know about a person simply by looking at the people in his life. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world. Are a man’s friends people of integrity? Are they doing positive things with their lives and committed to living a good life? And are a man’s friends capable of being in mature and committed relationships? Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled?
Men spend most of their time with people whose values they share.
MATURITY AREA #3: FAMILY
How does a man handle his relationships with his family members? Sure, lots of people have challenging family situations, but whether or not a guy’s parents are together is not what’s really telling about him. It’s more important whether or not he’s on stable emotional footing in the way he relates to his parents. Fighting intensely with parents, high and low emotional swings, or completely estranged situations without a clear reason can be signs of deeper emotional turmoil that’s unresolved and might mean that a man will have trouble being there and being present and stable with you emotionally.
GETTING THE ANSWERS YOU NEED FROM HIM: THE BEST APPROACH
You can find out a great deal about a man’s emotional maturity level in conversation. All you have to do is start talking about your friends, family, and work and ask him about these three areas in his life one at a time. When he answers, dig a little deeper and try and get him talking about how he FEELS about these things. How does he FEEL about the people at work and his family?
Get him to talk about his friends and tell you what he likes about them and what makes them tick. You’ll be surprised by how much a man will share about who he is and how he lives his life – if you simply ask. Not only will you learn whether he has the emotional maturity it takes to make a relationship work for the long haul, but you’ll create the kind of communication that brings two people closer together…and builds a solid foundation for the future.
Emotionally mature men are willing to show their feelings; and more importantly, they’re able to allow the woman in their life to “see” them even when they’re going through a difficult time. But how can you tell whether a man is emotionally mature and will stick it out with you through the inevitable ups and downs in every relationship? You need to look at how he handles three key areas in his life…
MATURITY AREA #1: WORK
Is the man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate? Or is he spiteful, does he talk about problems instead of thinking about solutions and how to improve personal dynamics in his work life and relationships? Compassion and the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity – and sensitivity as well.
MATURITY AREA #2: FRIENDS
What type of people does a man spend his time around? It has been said that you can know all you need to know about a person simply by looking at the people in his life. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world. Are a man’s friends people of integrity? Are they doing positive things with their lives and committed to living a good life? And are a man’s friends capable of being in mature and committed relationships? Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled?
Men spend most of their time with people whose values they share.
MATURITY AREA #3: FAMILY
How does a man handle his relationships with his family members? Sure, lots of people have challenging family situations, but whether or not a guy’s parents are together is not what’s really telling about him. It’s more important whether or not he’s on stable emotional footing in the way he relates to his parents. Fighting intensely with parents, high and low emotional swings, or completely estranged situations without a clear reason can be signs of deeper emotional turmoil that’s unresolved and might mean that a man will have trouble being there and being present and stable with you emotionally.
GETTING THE ANSWERS YOU NEED FROM HIM: THE BEST APPROACH
You can find out a great deal about a man’s emotional maturity level in conversation. All you have to do is start talking about your friends, family, and work and ask him about these three areas in his life one at a time. When he answers, dig a little deeper and try and get him talking about how he FEELS about these things. How does he FEEL about the people at work and his family?
Get him to talk about his friends and tell you what he likes about them and what makes them tick. You’ll be surprised by how much a man will share about who he is and how he lives his life – if you simply ask. Not only will you learn whether he has the emotional maturity it takes to make a relationship work for the long haul, but you’ll create the kind of communication that brings two people closer together…and builds a solid foundation for the future.
Six Ways to Better Yourself…and Your Partner
Inspiring your partner to “greatness” is not rocket science. To
paraphrase the wisdom of The Golden Rule: Simply be the partner you want
to have.
Here are six ways to begin:
1. Say yes. From the moment in adolescence when we start caring what other boys or girls think of us, the word “yes” becomes a kind of romantic Holy Grail we seek like questing knights. We want to hear, “Yes, I’ll go to the dance with you. Yes, we should hang out. Yes, I like you too.” It is the clearest sign that we are worth something. Yet as we get older, a mindless habit of negativity often sets in. Along the way we learn to resist one another for no apparent reason. Who knows why? The point is, if you want your partner to be more affirming and positive, try going with the flow yourself more often. Practice the magical power of “yes.”
2. Say no when you must … but lovingly and respectfully. Of course, there are times when “yes” is the wrong answer, period. There is nothing magical about failing to protect your boundaries and your autonomy. But it is equally important that, when you have reason to disagree with your partner, you do so in a way that safeguards their dignity. Too many relationships are poisoned by a “no” that is unnecessarily harsh or mocking. Guard against giving them the idea that they are being scolded. Respect is contagious, so give it freely and it will come back to you.
3. Be loyal. Okay, that sounds like a Girl Scout motto. But too many women and men take any opportunity to trash talk their partners around friends and family, sometimes even when they’re present. If you have developed that harmful habit, cut it out. No one enjoys public criticism. If you have something on your mind, talk to them—in private. They are sure to notice and reward you for it, by giving you the same courtesy.
4. Loosen up. Feeling caged by too little freedom in a relationship will bring out the lion in anyone. Preempt the problem by giving them plenty of space. That is not to say you should have no expectations of them, especially as the relationship advances. But heavy-handed possessiveness is a great way to put anyone on the defensive. When you keep a light touch, they’ll relax, and so can you.
5. Give them a push. There comes a time in nearly every person’s life when the dream that propelled them forward seems to be receding further out of reach. Maybe he or she has faltered. Maybe they are stuck in the daily grind of life. Maybe they’ve gotten plain ol’ lazy. Then it’s time for you to give them a gentle nudge—or a firm shove—by reminding them of their terrific potential. Believe the best about them, and tell them so.
6. Listen. Paying attention to what your partner has to say is one of the highest possible expressions of romantic affection. Most of us go through the day relatively unnoticed and unheard—by bosses, co-workers, even friends and family members. Be the exception in their life. Listen, and show them you are deeply interested in who they are and what they care about.
Here are six ways to begin:
1. Say yes. From the moment in adolescence when we start caring what other boys or girls think of us, the word “yes” becomes a kind of romantic Holy Grail we seek like questing knights. We want to hear, “Yes, I’ll go to the dance with you. Yes, we should hang out. Yes, I like you too.” It is the clearest sign that we are worth something. Yet as we get older, a mindless habit of negativity often sets in. Along the way we learn to resist one another for no apparent reason. Who knows why? The point is, if you want your partner to be more affirming and positive, try going with the flow yourself more often. Practice the magical power of “yes.”
2. Say no when you must … but lovingly and respectfully. Of course, there are times when “yes” is the wrong answer, period. There is nothing magical about failing to protect your boundaries and your autonomy. But it is equally important that, when you have reason to disagree with your partner, you do so in a way that safeguards their dignity. Too many relationships are poisoned by a “no” that is unnecessarily harsh or mocking. Guard against giving them the idea that they are being scolded. Respect is contagious, so give it freely and it will come back to you.
3. Be loyal. Okay, that sounds like a Girl Scout motto. But too many women and men take any opportunity to trash talk their partners around friends and family, sometimes even when they’re present. If you have developed that harmful habit, cut it out. No one enjoys public criticism. If you have something on your mind, talk to them—in private. They are sure to notice and reward you for it, by giving you the same courtesy.
4. Loosen up. Feeling caged by too little freedom in a relationship will bring out the lion in anyone. Preempt the problem by giving them plenty of space. That is not to say you should have no expectations of them, especially as the relationship advances. But heavy-handed possessiveness is a great way to put anyone on the defensive. When you keep a light touch, they’ll relax, and so can you.
5. Give them a push. There comes a time in nearly every person’s life when the dream that propelled them forward seems to be receding further out of reach. Maybe he or she has faltered. Maybe they are stuck in the daily grind of life. Maybe they’ve gotten plain ol’ lazy. Then it’s time for you to give them a gentle nudge—or a firm shove—by reminding them of their terrific potential. Believe the best about them, and tell them so.
6. Listen. Paying attention to what your partner has to say is one of the highest possible expressions of romantic affection. Most of us go through the day relatively unnoticed and unheard—by bosses, co-workers, even friends and family members. Be the exception in their life. Listen, and show them you are deeply interested in who they are and what they care about.
Three Rules for Staying Married Happily Ever After
If you’ve been paying any attention at all, you’re keenly aware that
happily married couples are an endangered species. You probably know the
divorce statistics (50%) and when you go to the grocery store, you see
the magazine covers highlighting the breakups of politicians, athletes,
singers, and actors. Chances are, these relationships started out as
yours did — blissfully happy. So, what went wrong? More importantly, how
can you prevent this from happening to you?
What makes or breaks relationships doesn’t have to be a mystery. After counseling hundreds of couples, I’ve witnessed first hand how relationships fall apart, and I’ve been able to help many of them put the pieces back together again. I can help de-mystify the relationship process so you’ll know how to nurture your own marriage and create the type of relationship that makes your neighbors and friends envious.
I. Invest in your marriage on a daily basis.
Like exercise, romance is cumulative: You may not have time to exercise for an hour every day, but even if you get moving 15 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at lunch, those small efforts pay off. Experts give advice like take the stairs or park further away, building little efforts into your day to accomplish your goal. It’s the same with romance. You may not be able to escape for a long, romantic weekend very often, but you can show small amounts of appreciation and display affection daily, and those efforts really add up.
Examples:
When your husband calls you at work, take two minutes to stop what you’re doing and ask about his day; show him support for something that matters to him.
Take a few minutes at the end of the evening to update each other and share the news of your day.
Watch a fun show together, like “Modern Family,” that appeals to both of you.
II. Beware of Facebook (and other cyber-social connections) as a “Gateway” to emotional and physical affairs.
Know the danger signs of bad behavior related to Facebook so you can protect your marriage. Beware of looking up exes on Facebook, especially high school sweethearts. Here are signs that you’re crossing the line:
Secrecy
If your partner comes in the room, would you be fine letting him read over your shoulder or do you close the screen quickly? When you are talking on the phone with an old high school acquaintance, would you change your tone of voice if your spouse entered the room? If so, you need to examine your behavior and its effect on the relationship with your spouse.
Confiding more on Facebook than with your partner.
It’s often easier to share personal information when there is a level of anonymity so people tend to be less self-conscious when communicating through the internet. It’s important to keep communicating with your spouse with whom you are in a “live” relationship, even if there are tensions. Make sure you continue to reach out and touch your loved one, literally.
Being unrealistic.
We tend to romanticize high school and people we knew from long ago. Over time, with blurring of memory, friendships are changed in our minds to romances. Recognize infatuation is temporary and doesn’t have anything to do with a healthy intimate relationship, which takes time to develop and mature in the light of day. Facebook can artificially and harmfully accelerate a relationship’s natural course of intimacy.
III. Be more like the family dog.
No one is happier to see us walk through the door than our dogs. They greet us, look us in the eye, and show us how happy they are to see us without saying a word! They accomplish this with wagging of their tail and a wet, sloppy kiss. When your spouse comes in — try to do the same.
Stop what you are doing for a moment to welcome him or her home. Look him in the eye. Tell him you are happy to see him. It’s a small effort that will make a big difference over the years. Wagging your tail takes some specialized training (check out a Zumba class near you), but husbands wouldn’t mind being greeted with a sloppy kiss and a happy dance. Showing that you are focused on your spouse, even if it is just for one moment during the day, can foster intimacy and trust in a relationship.
What makes or breaks relationships doesn’t have to be a mystery. After counseling hundreds of couples, I’ve witnessed first hand how relationships fall apart, and I’ve been able to help many of them put the pieces back together again. I can help de-mystify the relationship process so you’ll know how to nurture your own marriage and create the type of relationship that makes your neighbors and friends envious.
I. Invest in your marriage on a daily basis.
Like exercise, romance is cumulative: You may not have time to exercise for an hour every day, but even if you get moving 15 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at lunch, those small efforts pay off. Experts give advice like take the stairs or park further away, building little efforts into your day to accomplish your goal. It’s the same with romance. You may not be able to escape for a long, romantic weekend very often, but you can show small amounts of appreciation and display affection daily, and those efforts really add up.
Examples:
When your husband calls you at work, take two minutes to stop what you’re doing and ask about his day; show him support for something that matters to him.
Take a few minutes at the end of the evening to update each other and share the news of your day.
Watch a fun show together, like “Modern Family,” that appeals to both of you.
II. Beware of Facebook (and other cyber-social connections) as a “Gateway” to emotional and physical affairs.
Know the danger signs of bad behavior related to Facebook so you can protect your marriage. Beware of looking up exes on Facebook, especially high school sweethearts. Here are signs that you’re crossing the line:
Secrecy
If your partner comes in the room, would you be fine letting him read over your shoulder or do you close the screen quickly? When you are talking on the phone with an old high school acquaintance, would you change your tone of voice if your spouse entered the room? If so, you need to examine your behavior and its effect on the relationship with your spouse.
Confiding more on Facebook than with your partner.
It’s often easier to share personal information when there is a level of anonymity so people tend to be less self-conscious when communicating through the internet. It’s important to keep communicating with your spouse with whom you are in a “live” relationship, even if there are tensions. Make sure you continue to reach out and touch your loved one, literally.
Being unrealistic.
We tend to romanticize high school and people we knew from long ago. Over time, with blurring of memory, friendships are changed in our minds to romances. Recognize infatuation is temporary and doesn’t have anything to do with a healthy intimate relationship, which takes time to develop and mature in the light of day. Facebook can artificially and harmfully accelerate a relationship’s natural course of intimacy.
III. Be more like the family dog.
No one is happier to see us walk through the door than our dogs. They greet us, look us in the eye, and show us how happy they are to see us without saying a word! They accomplish this with wagging of their tail and a wet, sloppy kiss. When your spouse comes in — try to do the same.
Stop what you are doing for a moment to welcome him or her home. Look him in the eye. Tell him you are happy to see him. It’s a small effort that will make a big difference over the years. Wagging your tail takes some specialized training (check out a Zumba class near you), but husbands wouldn’t mind being greeted with a sloppy kiss and a happy dance. Showing that you are focused on your spouse, even if it is just for one moment during the day, can foster intimacy and trust in a relationship.
Is it Time to Move In Together? 10 Ways to Know
Moving in together. Maybe the idea has been floating around for a
while now. Whether you’ve been together for years or you’re just feeling
like he or she is the one, there are a few ways to evaluate whether or
not you’re ready for this next step.
Here are 10 ways you know it’s time to move in together:
1. You really, really like each other.
It should go without saying, but if you’re not totally besotted with your partner, merging lives and spaces is going to be a challenge. When you’re confined to the same place, you’re going to see each other at your bests and worsts. If you still want to curl up in bed next to your significant other at the end of a cranky, sick, stressful day, making the move might be that next logical step.
If you get sick of each other easily, sharing the same four walls might feel claustrophobic. If you can’t get enough of each other, and find most quirks endearing, you’ll be better prepared for the adventure.
2. You spend most nights together already.
Do you already have a key to her place? Do you have a toothbrush and change of clothes at his condo? If you’re already spending quite a few nights a week together, the transition to cohabitation will seem natural. You’ve seen the bed hair, experienced the morning breath, observed hygiene and tidiness habits, and understand sleeping patterns. You’re totally comfortable with one another. You’ve grocery-shopped together. You have more realistic expectations entering cohabitation when you know that he leaves his socks on the floor, or that she never replaces the toothpaste cap.
3. You want the same things from the relationship.
If he says he’s not interested in marriage, don’t move in as an attempt to secure a diamond ring. Before moving in together, make sure you’re on the same page, relationship-wise. Does someone have kids on the brain? Is this considered a trial arrangement, or a (hopefully) permanent situation? Make sure you’re both heading in the same direction when it comes to commitment.
4. You’ve fought — and worked it out.
Don’t move in together until you’ve had a fight or two. You don’t know how solid a relationship is until it’s been tested. Good conflict resolution skills are essential when living in close quarters. (Fact: When living together, there will be conflict.) Do you fight fair? Are you committed to resolving disagreements in a way that both parties are satisfied? Can you reassure one another after tense moments?
5. You’ve talked about finances.
Money: It can be uncomfortable to talk about, but can contribute to major conflict if the subject is ignored. Merging expenses raises a number of questions: Are you on the same page financially? How will you split expenses? Whose name is on the lease? Will you have a joint account? Is one person the primary provider?
While the notion of living together is romantic, the practical side needs thorough discussion.
6. You can discuss expectations.
Before you move in together, talk about your expectations. Are you hoping that you’ll both be home for dinner each night? Are you hoping this will lead to marriage? Be sure to discuss your expectations for routine things like chore-division, too. Your significant other can’t read your mind. If you fail to share your hopes and dreams for this next stage of your relationship, you’re likely to end up disappointed.
7. You’ve survived vacationing together.
Before you share a home, go on a holiday together. Did you barely survive it, or did you have so much fun that you’d do it again? A weeklong vacation will have you making decisions together, dealing with finances, unforeseen changes of plan and stress. When you’re sunburned and hung-over in an unfamiliar place, do you still enjoy each other’s company?
8. You’re ready to sacrifice some independence.
While living together is hardly a prison sentence, there are certain adjustments one has to make when moving in with someone. You’re ready to cohabitate when you don’t mind checking in, you can consider someone else when you fill up your calendar, and you’re prepared to share a bathroom sink.
You aren’t giving up your individuality — your partner loves you for who you are and isn’t interested to suffocating you — but you do need to ditch the selfish living.
9. Your lifestyles are compatible.
If one of you is a night owl — and frequent party host — while the other needs 9 hours of sleep, you’re setting yourselves up for stress. Are you lifestyles compatible? Can you compromise to ensure both of you get what you need? Similar values when it comes to faith, finances and plans for the future help establish a solid foundation for a shared life. Note that if one of you struggles with a vice that the other isn’t tolerant of, bitterness and frustration will likely threaten the relationship.
10. You can communicate openly and honestly.
Can you discuss this list, sharing your concerns and dreams for the relationship with each other? Are you open and honest with one another? When you’re upset, are you comfortable being vulnerable and open with your partner? Passive-aggressiveness, silent treatments and unspoken expectations only hurt a relationship. When living together, honesty really will be the best policy.
Living under the same roof can be an incredible experience. Just don’t jump into it blindly.
Here are 10 ways you know it’s time to move in together:
1. You really, really like each other.
It should go without saying, but if you’re not totally besotted with your partner, merging lives and spaces is going to be a challenge. When you’re confined to the same place, you’re going to see each other at your bests and worsts. If you still want to curl up in bed next to your significant other at the end of a cranky, sick, stressful day, making the move might be that next logical step.
If you get sick of each other easily, sharing the same four walls might feel claustrophobic. If you can’t get enough of each other, and find most quirks endearing, you’ll be better prepared for the adventure.
2. You spend most nights together already.
Do you already have a key to her place? Do you have a toothbrush and change of clothes at his condo? If you’re already spending quite a few nights a week together, the transition to cohabitation will seem natural. You’ve seen the bed hair, experienced the morning breath, observed hygiene and tidiness habits, and understand sleeping patterns. You’re totally comfortable with one another. You’ve grocery-shopped together. You have more realistic expectations entering cohabitation when you know that he leaves his socks on the floor, or that she never replaces the toothpaste cap.
3. You want the same things from the relationship.
If he says he’s not interested in marriage, don’t move in as an attempt to secure a diamond ring. Before moving in together, make sure you’re on the same page, relationship-wise. Does someone have kids on the brain? Is this considered a trial arrangement, or a (hopefully) permanent situation? Make sure you’re both heading in the same direction when it comes to commitment.
4. You’ve fought — and worked it out.
Don’t move in together until you’ve had a fight or two. You don’t know how solid a relationship is until it’s been tested. Good conflict resolution skills are essential when living in close quarters. (Fact: When living together, there will be conflict.) Do you fight fair? Are you committed to resolving disagreements in a way that both parties are satisfied? Can you reassure one another after tense moments?
5. You’ve talked about finances.
Money: It can be uncomfortable to talk about, but can contribute to major conflict if the subject is ignored. Merging expenses raises a number of questions: Are you on the same page financially? How will you split expenses? Whose name is on the lease? Will you have a joint account? Is one person the primary provider?
While the notion of living together is romantic, the practical side needs thorough discussion.
6. You can discuss expectations.
Before you move in together, talk about your expectations. Are you hoping that you’ll both be home for dinner each night? Are you hoping this will lead to marriage? Be sure to discuss your expectations for routine things like chore-division, too. Your significant other can’t read your mind. If you fail to share your hopes and dreams for this next stage of your relationship, you’re likely to end up disappointed.
7. You’ve survived vacationing together.
Before you share a home, go on a holiday together. Did you barely survive it, or did you have so much fun that you’d do it again? A weeklong vacation will have you making decisions together, dealing with finances, unforeseen changes of plan and stress. When you’re sunburned and hung-over in an unfamiliar place, do you still enjoy each other’s company?
8. You’re ready to sacrifice some independence.
While living together is hardly a prison sentence, there are certain adjustments one has to make when moving in with someone. You’re ready to cohabitate when you don’t mind checking in, you can consider someone else when you fill up your calendar, and you’re prepared to share a bathroom sink.
You aren’t giving up your individuality — your partner loves you for who you are and isn’t interested to suffocating you — but you do need to ditch the selfish living.
9. Your lifestyles are compatible.
If one of you is a night owl — and frequent party host — while the other needs 9 hours of sleep, you’re setting yourselves up for stress. Are you lifestyles compatible? Can you compromise to ensure both of you get what you need? Similar values when it comes to faith, finances and plans for the future help establish a solid foundation for a shared life. Note that if one of you struggles with a vice that the other isn’t tolerant of, bitterness and frustration will likely threaten the relationship.
10. You can communicate openly and honestly.
Can you discuss this list, sharing your concerns and dreams for the relationship with each other? Are you open and honest with one another? When you’re upset, are you comfortable being vulnerable and open with your partner? Passive-aggressiveness, silent treatments and unspoken expectations only hurt a relationship. When living together, honesty really will be the best policy.
Living under the same roof can be an incredible experience. Just don’t jump into it blindly.
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