If you ask men in happy, committed relationships why they chose to
spend their lives with one particular woman, certain emotions and
experiences will pop up. What is it that makes a man give up his
freedom for the love of one woman and not another? I’ll tell you. It
all has to do with the way you make him feel.
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS HE’S WINNING WITH YOU
You
know how little boys love comic books and superheroes? It starts when
we’re young – we want to feel powerful, we want to save the day, we want
to be admired and appreciated. And when we grow up, nothing’s better
than feeling that with the special woman in our life.
If he’s a
good man and you want to make your relationship go the distance, then
make him feel like your hero. Compliment him, tell him how much you
appreciate him when he does something that makes you happy, let him know
how excited and proud you are to be with him. When you make him feel
like a winner who’s doing things right, he’ll want to hold onto that
feeling…with you.
On the other hand, if you want to shatter a man’s attraction for you
right away, then criticize him, belittle him, and make him feel like
he’s never living up to your expectations. (And if you really feel this
way with the man you’re with, then you need to question why you’re with
him in the first place.)
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS YOU ACCEPT HIM AS HE IS
Ask
any guy what makes him back away from a relationship, and he’ll
probably tell you this: “She kept trying to change me.” Men are not that
different from you. We don’t want someone coming in and telling us we
need to be better or different. Because when a woman wants to change
us, it makes us feel that we’re WRONG. And that doesn’t feel good.
Realize
that no person is going to be without things you don’t like, just like
YOU’LL have parts about you that a man isn’t thrilled with. The key is
looking at the whole package in a man and loving all of it – even if you
sometimes don’t like some of the individual parts. They are what make
him who he is – and he’ll recognize you’re the woman for him when you
love him for ALL of it.
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS UNDERSTOOD BY YOU
Unlike
women, guys don’t tend to talk through their feelings with each other.
They save that for the one special woman in their lives. So it’s a
great sign if your guy wants to talk with you about what’s bothering him
when it comes to his life, his career, his family, and his day-to-day
stuff.
Your job is to listen without judgment – to be there for
him and to offer your advice if he asks for it. If he keeps talking, it
means he feels comfortable
and safe with you. He begins to think he can tell you anything. You
want to be that safe landing spot for your man – not just because it
brings you closer together, but because he’ll recognize he has a woman
who truly understands him.
YOU’RE THE ONE WHEN…HE FEELS HIS LIFE IS BETTER WITH YOU IN IT
A
man feels compelled to get closer to you and spend more time with you
as a result of the experiences he has with you – the POSITIVE
experiences. He starts to feel like your relationship – and, by
extension, his life – is easier, better, more fulfilling.
So
focus on building a solid foundation with him by creating positive
experiences together. Do fun and different things with him. Get to
know each other in a variety of contexts – both alone and with friends
and family. When he sees how well you fit into his life and how much
joy you bring him, he will see you as a necessary part of his life – one
he’ll never want to be without.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Is He or She The One? 10 Things to Consider
How do you know if your partner is “the one” for you? While some
“just know,” most people said there were certain signs which clued them
in…here’s what we discovered as we asked numerous couples.
The Writing is on the Wall
It is so disappointing when we find someone -- and our friends and family are lukewarm in their reception of them at best. When the people who know you best are in complete support of your relationship, they will let you know. And you will likely know that this person is very good for you... and may be "the one."Questions to Ask Before Getting Serious
While it’s impossible to gauge in advance whether any couple will
actually make it ‘til death do they part, there are some compatibility
factors that offer insight as to whether they’ve got a fighting chance.
While you probably can’t straight out ask your partner whether or not he
or she is physically or verbally abusive, a cheater, or an addict—all
of which rank among the most popular reasons for splitsville—you can and
should sit down and ask each other the following questions. If your
perspectives match up, you have a better chance of making it for the
long haul.
1. Do you want kids?
There is no reason to get married or seriously invest in one another if you don’t see eye-to-eye on this matter — unless you’re willing to be swayed. But don’t even think about entering marriage with the hope that you can change your partner’s mind. It’s a recipe for disaster if you’re wrong. If you find you both want kids, you might follow up with a question about how much participation your partner would want to have in diaper changing and beyond!
2. What’s your financial standing?
Surely you’ll come up with a more personalized, delicate way to broach this subject, but whatever the case, you must learn the financial standing of the person you’re getting serious with. Why? Because as a married couple, their debt will quickly become your debt. Plus, you can get a lot of insight into a person’s level of responsibility and overall financial outlook if you know what they’ve saved, lost, or borrowed and still owe up until this point.
3. What are your spending habits?
Some people are savers, others are spenders. Often the opposites attract rule comes into play between these two archetypes. But if you’re idea of a wise investment is tucking away your extra cash for retirement while your mate’s features trips to Vegas and sports cars, you’re destined to clash. This is not something to take lightly since finances are one of the top causes for divorce.
4. Where do you stand on religion?
While you probably know basics, you might like to know how much your partner is expecting the church, synagogue, mosque, or other to play a part in your lives, as well as your children’s lives should you have them.
5. Would you be willing to go to therapy or counseling if we needed it?
One of the top reasons for breakups is a breakdown in communication or a general lack thereof. That’s why it’s really important to know whether your partner would be open to learning more about him or herself and getting help through a couples therapist, if it ever becomes necessary. If you get a flat-out “No,” you know what you’re getting yourself into.
6. What’s your ideal sex life?
While there’s no one right definition of a great sex life, there is definitely a wrong one—and that’s two people who have opposing views and desires. It’s better to talk now about sexual preferences, desires, hopes and expectations than after you put a ring on it!
7. What are your expectations of life together?
Some people want lots of independence, others crave constant companionship. Some want their partner to put dinner on the table every night, while others are happy with a life of takeout. From socializing to vacations to sex to household and financial roles and responsibilities, getting a clearer picture of expectations tells you whether or not you and your partner’s desires match up.
8. Where do you envision living in the long run?
While jobs and life can take couples places they never imagined going, it’s a good idea to see if you at least have the same type of lifestyle in mind. For example, some people want to live near their family. Others want to be in the city or the country. Where you live has a direct impact on your lifestyle and consequently can make for a happier or more stressed existence.
What questions do you think are important to ask before getting serious, moving in together or tying the knot?
1. Do you want kids?
There is no reason to get married or seriously invest in one another if you don’t see eye-to-eye on this matter — unless you’re willing to be swayed. But don’t even think about entering marriage with the hope that you can change your partner’s mind. It’s a recipe for disaster if you’re wrong. If you find you both want kids, you might follow up with a question about how much participation your partner would want to have in diaper changing and beyond!
2. What’s your financial standing?
Surely you’ll come up with a more personalized, delicate way to broach this subject, but whatever the case, you must learn the financial standing of the person you’re getting serious with. Why? Because as a married couple, their debt will quickly become your debt. Plus, you can get a lot of insight into a person’s level of responsibility and overall financial outlook if you know what they’ve saved, lost, or borrowed and still owe up until this point.
3. What are your spending habits?
Some people are savers, others are spenders. Often the opposites attract rule comes into play between these two archetypes. But if you’re idea of a wise investment is tucking away your extra cash for retirement while your mate’s features trips to Vegas and sports cars, you’re destined to clash. This is not something to take lightly since finances are one of the top causes for divorce.
4. Where do you stand on religion?
While you probably know basics, you might like to know how much your partner is expecting the church, synagogue, mosque, or other to play a part in your lives, as well as your children’s lives should you have them.
5. Would you be willing to go to therapy or counseling if we needed it?
One of the top reasons for breakups is a breakdown in communication or a general lack thereof. That’s why it’s really important to know whether your partner would be open to learning more about him or herself and getting help through a couples therapist, if it ever becomes necessary. If you get a flat-out “No,” you know what you’re getting yourself into.
6. What’s your ideal sex life?
While there’s no one right definition of a great sex life, there is definitely a wrong one—and that’s two people who have opposing views and desires. It’s better to talk now about sexual preferences, desires, hopes and expectations than after you put a ring on it!
7. What are your expectations of life together?
Some people want lots of independence, others crave constant companionship. Some want their partner to put dinner on the table every night, while others are happy with a life of takeout. From socializing to vacations to sex to household and financial roles and responsibilities, getting a clearer picture of expectations tells you whether or not you and your partner’s desires match up.
8. Where do you envision living in the long run?
While jobs and life can take couples places they never imagined going, it’s a good idea to see if you at least have the same type of lifestyle in mind. For example, some people want to live near their family. Others want to be in the city or the country. Where you live has a direct impact on your lifestyle and consequently can make for a happier or more stressed existence.
What questions do you think are important to ask before getting serious, moving in together or tying the knot?
Nine Things You Need to Know About Infidelity
Why do men or women cheat? What is the primary reason? Get some clarity on this sensitive subject…
Emotional Disconnect
The biggest reason for cheating on a mate is a lack of emotional connection or feeling appreciated by their partner. According to relationship therapist Bree Maresca-Kramer, trouble starts when a couple stops meeting each other's needs, stops talking about things that matter and get distracted by daily schedules, work or business. "They stop trying. It almost becomes a business relationship."Make it Easy for Him to Love You
You’ve probably heard that men like a woman who can be easygoing and fun
to be with. And that’s entirely true, especially when you’re talking
about men who handle a lot of pressure at work. But this doesn’t mean
you need to be a pushover. Read on to find out how you can make it easy
for him to be with you…without losing what’s important to you.
HOW HUMAN NATURE CAN WORK AGAINST YOU
Everyone wants to have their needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an amazing thing to develop in your life (and that goes for every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what they think and what they want. The root of most communication problems lies in NOT considering the other side.
If you want a man to listen to you and communicate well with you, then you need to honestly and critically consider the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from…all at the same time. Here’s the thing…
PUTTING YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU
When you don’t do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.
I see a form of this all the time in business, by the way. Say somebody wants to sell me something. If they immediately lunge in with their agenda, it will likely put me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what they want from me…the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want. It’s very simple…but extremely powerful.
SHIFTING TO TEAM-BASED THINKING
So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with a man. Namely, you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.
Say your boyfriend has a habit of zoning out when he gets home, and you’d like to go out a few nights a week. You can start with an affirming statement like, “I really care about our relationship, and I want us both to be happy.”
When you lead like this, he won’t feel the need to be defensive. You’ll have created a safe space for him to listen. Then you can say: “I understand you’re really tired sometimes and just want to zone out, but I just need to have some nights during the week when we can do something together.” Then you come up with an event you both like rather than focusing on the negative. When you do this, he’ll begin to see you two as a team – and that’s a win-win for both of you.
HOW HUMAN NATURE CAN WORK AGAINST YOU
Everyone wants to have their needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an amazing thing to develop in your life (and that goes for every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what they think and what they want. The root of most communication problems lies in NOT considering the other side.
If you want a man to listen to you and communicate well with you, then you need to honestly and critically consider the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from…all at the same time. Here’s the thing…
PUTTING YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU
When you don’t do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.
I see a form of this all the time in business, by the way. Say somebody wants to sell me something. If they immediately lunge in with their agenda, it will likely put me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what they want from me…the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want. It’s very simple…but extremely powerful.
SHIFTING TO TEAM-BASED THINKING
So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with a man. Namely, you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.
Say your boyfriend has a habit of zoning out when he gets home, and you’d like to go out a few nights a week. You can start with an affirming statement like, “I really care about our relationship, and I want us both to be happy.”
When you lead like this, he won’t feel the need to be defensive. You’ll have created a safe space for him to listen. Then you can say: “I understand you’re really tired sometimes and just want to zone out, but I just need to have some nights during the week when we can do something together.” Then you come up with an event you both like rather than focusing on the negative. When you do this, he’ll begin to see you two as a team – and that’s a win-win for both of you.
How to Get the Proposal You Want…Without Asking For It
What happens when you meet someone, fall in love, and think you’ve
finally found your one? It’s all supposed to happily fall into place
where he gets down on one knee and asks the magic question, right?
Well, what if he doesn’t?
That’s what happened to me when, after years of heartbreak over the wrong men, I met the right one. Unlike the men who had gone in and out of my life, I met a man who wooed me and pursued me like no other. We fell in love. I thought everything was right on track to my happily ever after, so I
moved in with him. I thought everything was all set, and that the proposal was a sure thing.
Then everything came to a screeching halt when he told me he “wasn’t ready.” Yet I was able to turn things around – and quickly – without playing any games. I simply ignited in him a natural desire to commit to me. Here’s how I did it, and how – when the time comes – you can, too.
FEELING MY DREAM SLIP AWAY:
I can clearly remember the night my then boyfriend told me he needed more time before proposing. It was New Year’s Eve, and I had thought this was the night. But instead of a ring, I got the “I’m not ready” speech. Immediately, I was thrown into a spiral of uncertainty and panic. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I move out? Should I break up with him? I had waited so long for this moment, and now I felt utterly powerless to make anything happen. It was as if my love life was happening to me, and I had no control over how anything turned out.
TURNING UNCERTAINTY INTO EMPOWERMENT:
Then something hit me. I realized, in that moment, that I was caught up in fear of losing him…but what about him losing me? What about ME losing me? I realized that I could end up wasting months living with a man – and being exclusive with him – while essentially cutting myself off from other opportunities and the commitment I needed. I also saw that I had placed all my hopes and dreams in this one man, and that doing so hadn’t gotten me the security I needed with him.
So I told him this: “I love you, and I want you to take as much time as you need. But while you’re deciding what to do, you can’t have me all to yourself.” It wasn’t manipulation or an ultimatum – it was a way of taking care of myself and doing for myself what I needed to do.
RECONNECTING WITH MYSELF…AND INSPIRING HIS PASSION:
I had been so focused on what HE needed, and I decided to redirect all that energy to ME. So I went away by myself that weekend and did just that. I reconnected with myself, and, in doing so reminded myself that I had a life outside of him.
When I came back to our apartment, my vibe had completely changed. Now, I was focused on doing things that pleased me. Suddenly, I was once again the woman he originally fell in love with, because I was a woman who made MYSELF more important than him. And that’s incredibly attractive to a man. He sees that you don’t depend on him for your happiness, and it takes an enormous amount of pressure off him. It draws him in, magnetically. He becomes mesmerized by you, and he wants to be part of that.
That’s what happened with my now husband. Two weeks after telling me he wasn’t ready, he was proposing to me. What had I done? Nothing but remind him of who I was – without him. My newfound passion for myself woke him up to the fact that he wasn’t the only man I could have a life with. And, with that, he decided he’d better do something to make sure I chose him. We’ve been married for over 20 years since.
That’s what happened to me when, after years of heartbreak over the wrong men, I met the right one. Unlike the men who had gone in and out of my life, I met a man who wooed me and pursued me like no other. We fell in love. I thought everything was right on track to my happily ever after, so I
moved in with him. I thought everything was all set, and that the proposal was a sure thing.
Then everything came to a screeching halt when he told me he “wasn’t ready.” Yet I was able to turn things around – and quickly – without playing any games. I simply ignited in him a natural desire to commit to me. Here’s how I did it, and how – when the time comes – you can, too.
FEELING MY DREAM SLIP AWAY:
I can clearly remember the night my then boyfriend told me he needed more time before proposing. It was New Year’s Eve, and I had thought this was the night. But instead of a ring, I got the “I’m not ready” speech. Immediately, I was thrown into a spiral of uncertainty and panic. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I move out? Should I break up with him? I had waited so long for this moment, and now I felt utterly powerless to make anything happen. It was as if my love life was happening to me, and I had no control over how anything turned out.
TURNING UNCERTAINTY INTO EMPOWERMENT:
Then something hit me. I realized, in that moment, that I was caught up in fear of losing him…but what about him losing me? What about ME losing me? I realized that I could end up wasting months living with a man – and being exclusive with him – while essentially cutting myself off from other opportunities and the commitment I needed. I also saw that I had placed all my hopes and dreams in this one man, and that doing so hadn’t gotten me the security I needed with him.
So I told him this: “I love you, and I want you to take as much time as you need. But while you’re deciding what to do, you can’t have me all to yourself.” It wasn’t manipulation or an ultimatum – it was a way of taking care of myself and doing for myself what I needed to do.
RECONNECTING WITH MYSELF…AND INSPIRING HIS PASSION:
I had been so focused on what HE needed, and I decided to redirect all that energy to ME. So I went away by myself that weekend and did just that. I reconnected with myself, and, in doing so reminded myself that I had a life outside of him.
When I came back to our apartment, my vibe had completely changed. Now, I was focused on doing things that pleased me. Suddenly, I was once again the woman he originally fell in love with, because I was a woman who made MYSELF more important than him. And that’s incredibly attractive to a man. He sees that you don’t depend on him for your happiness, and it takes an enormous amount of pressure off him. It draws him in, magnetically. He becomes mesmerized by you, and he wants to be part of that.
That’s what happened with my now husband. Two weeks after telling me he wasn’t ready, he was proposing to me. What had I done? Nothing but remind him of who I was – without him. My newfound passion for myself woke him up to the fact that he wasn’t the only man I could have a life with. And, with that, he decided he’d better do something to make sure I chose him. We’ve been married for over 20 years since.
How to Tell If He’s Ready For A Relationship
Many women talk about dating a “mature man”. What they’re really
referring to is “emotional maturity.” An emotionally mature man is a
man who won’t shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life.
Emotionally mature men are willing to show their feelings; and more importantly, they’re able to allow the woman in their life to “see” them even when they’re going through a difficult time. But how can you tell whether a man is emotionally mature and will stick it out with you through the inevitable ups and downs in every relationship? You need to look at how he handles three key areas in his life…
MATURITY AREA #1: WORK
Is the man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate? Or is he spiteful, does he talk about problems instead of thinking about solutions and how to improve personal dynamics in his work life and relationships? Compassion and the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity – and sensitivity as well.
MATURITY AREA #2: FRIENDS
What type of people does a man spend his time around? It has been said that you can know all you need to know about a person simply by looking at the people in his life. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world. Are a man’s friends people of integrity? Are they doing positive things with their lives and committed to living a good life? And are a man’s friends capable of being in mature and committed relationships? Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled?
Men spend most of their time with people whose values they share.
MATURITY AREA #3: FAMILY
How does a man handle his relationships with his family members? Sure, lots of people have challenging family situations, but whether or not a guy’s parents are together is not what’s really telling about him. It’s more important whether or not he’s on stable emotional footing in the way he relates to his parents. Fighting intensely with parents, high and low emotional swings, or completely estranged situations without a clear reason can be signs of deeper emotional turmoil that’s unresolved and might mean that a man will have trouble being there and being present and stable with you emotionally.
GETTING THE ANSWERS YOU NEED FROM HIM: THE BEST APPROACH
You can find out a great deal about a man’s emotional maturity level in conversation. All you have to do is start talking about your friends, family, and work and ask him about these three areas in his life one at a time. When he answers, dig a little deeper and try and get him talking about how he FEELS about these things. How does he FEEL about the people at work and his family?
Get him to talk about his friends and tell you what he likes about them and what makes them tick. You’ll be surprised by how much a man will share about who he is and how he lives his life – if you simply ask. Not only will you learn whether he has the emotional maturity it takes to make a relationship work for the long haul, but you’ll create the kind of communication that brings two people closer together…and builds a solid foundation for the future.
Emotionally mature men are willing to show their feelings; and more importantly, they’re able to allow the woman in their life to “see” them even when they’re going through a difficult time. But how can you tell whether a man is emotionally mature and will stick it out with you through the inevitable ups and downs in every relationship? You need to look at how he handles three key areas in his life…
MATURITY AREA #1: WORK
Is the man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate? Or is he spiteful, does he talk about problems instead of thinking about solutions and how to improve personal dynamics in his work life and relationships? Compassion and the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity – and sensitivity as well.
MATURITY AREA #2: FRIENDS
What type of people does a man spend his time around? It has been said that you can know all you need to know about a person simply by looking at the people in his life. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world. Are a man’s friends people of integrity? Are they doing positive things with their lives and committed to living a good life? And are a man’s friends capable of being in mature and committed relationships? Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled?
Men spend most of their time with people whose values they share.
MATURITY AREA #3: FAMILY
How does a man handle his relationships with his family members? Sure, lots of people have challenging family situations, but whether or not a guy’s parents are together is not what’s really telling about him. It’s more important whether or not he’s on stable emotional footing in the way he relates to his parents. Fighting intensely with parents, high and low emotional swings, or completely estranged situations without a clear reason can be signs of deeper emotional turmoil that’s unresolved and might mean that a man will have trouble being there and being present and stable with you emotionally.
GETTING THE ANSWERS YOU NEED FROM HIM: THE BEST APPROACH
You can find out a great deal about a man’s emotional maturity level in conversation. All you have to do is start talking about your friends, family, and work and ask him about these three areas in his life one at a time. When he answers, dig a little deeper and try and get him talking about how he FEELS about these things. How does he FEEL about the people at work and his family?
Get him to talk about his friends and tell you what he likes about them and what makes them tick. You’ll be surprised by how much a man will share about who he is and how he lives his life – if you simply ask. Not only will you learn whether he has the emotional maturity it takes to make a relationship work for the long haul, but you’ll create the kind of communication that brings two people closer together…and builds a solid foundation for the future.
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